Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…