Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
channeling her this year
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo