Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Omg 🤣
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.