Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.