Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing