Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
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Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Mmmm canned fish.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.