Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*