Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

The internet is full of many things

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

May have had one breakfast too many

I did not eat the cake…

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this