“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”