@AmishPornStar1

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

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@ManiacallySound

I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.

@PetrickSara

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

@dafloydsta

*tear runs down cheek

“Why are all these people dead on the inside?”

“Sir, this is a morgue.”

@TheToddWilliams

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

@IHPower

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

@3sunzzz

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

@DaddyJew

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.