“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
This is me 🤣🤣
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.