I seruptitously flicked a booger on a guy who was being mean to his wife. If this is what being a sniper feels like, I like it.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
*tear runs down cheek
“Why are all these people dead on the inside?”
“Sir, this is a morgue.”
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
40 pizzas in 30 days doesn’t sound so crazy anymore does it
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.