“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed![]()
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
this was the best i’ve ever seen
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”