“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
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do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.