Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

ok like just. call me at this point

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.