Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

The answer is funnier than the question

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill