Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front