Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.