Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
What my back needs
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
rebranding
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”