Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
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I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.