Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Thursday

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

😬

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.