Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.