Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed