Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

I’m listening

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

For the baby who has everything

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.