“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies