“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
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On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Saturday
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.