“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
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[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.