Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name