Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.