Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
The French word for sex is croissant.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”