Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I can fix him.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.