Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤