Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

Morning my dudes.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.