Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

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I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed


Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.


5yo: knock knock
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.


As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’



IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear


Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.


Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”


Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.


[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone