@anerdonfire2

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

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@phranqueigh

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

@bush_piglet

Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

@LuvPug

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

@MatCro

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

@TheBoydP

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

@NotMarkAllen

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

@junejuly12

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone