Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

the only bumper sticker ill allow

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.