Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends