Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

Brilliant!

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too