Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

Mornin

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.