Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book