Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
