Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.