Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
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BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
this FaceApp is creepy af
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that