Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
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My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
stop
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.