Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.