Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.