“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Well, this explains it:
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Natural selection at its finest
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Watermelon Boss!
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!