“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water