@SwanieChicken

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

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@Marlebean

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

@natechartier1

*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”

*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”

@pilau

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

@LOUD_Thoughts_

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

@RodLacroix

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?

@MableGertrude

Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!