“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur