I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”
*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?
Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!