“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??