Look Ma, no handle on things
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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Happy Star Wars day!
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My last name is Zilla.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.