Look Ma, no handle on things
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(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
my retirement plan is braless
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.