Look Ma, no handle on things
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
nice challenge
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.