Look Ma, no handle on things
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“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.