Look Ma, no handle on things
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
whatcha thinkin bout
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
😤😤
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.