Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.