Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
dead inside
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.