Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Last-minute gift idea!
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game