Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time