Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

This forever.

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min