Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

A short story about romance.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.