@thomas_violence

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

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@joeljeffrey

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

@envydatropic

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

@TheToddWilliams

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

@heat_packingDr

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

@charliecapen

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

@5exyunchained

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

@tinytittays

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.