look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
You Might Also Like
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready