Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.