Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

“I took care of your clown problem.”

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.