Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
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Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Mornin
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.