Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
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They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits