“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread