“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
You deplete me
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*