“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
😭😭
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”