“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
There’s never enough good news
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.