Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Twitter is an abusement park.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.