Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

Risking my life for fun.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.