Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

🤨

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.