Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night