Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
beware of dog
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.