Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.