Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My dog ate my work from home.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.