Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.