Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Me trying to reach for my goals

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.