Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
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Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do