@HatfieldAnne

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

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@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

@weismanjake

Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don’t think of this word, a random man will be put to death.

@KWalps

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

@envydatropic

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

@LostFelicia

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

@MensHumor

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

@MenMusings

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

@Contwixt

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.