Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?


Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don’t think of this word, a random man will be put to death.


Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?


If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy


I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.


Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.


The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.


I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.