Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Yes 😂

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.