Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
You Might Also Like
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.